Life is good.
I am happy with how things are going.
I have let it go.
I do not answer to anyone.
I am my own person.
I am successfully managing life.
Yet, I question....
What if this is it?
Have I reached my goal?
I am healed.
I have found peace.
What if I am one of those people who can't be paired with another?
My inner Elsa understands.
As a person, I am a challenge.
A good challenge, but still a challenge.
I feel strong, capable, beautiful, smart, funny, independent, and my list of self-defining adjectives could go on, and on.
I know that I hurt people when they try to get close to me,
because I can't trust and I won't rely on someone else.
I won't ask for help.
I still feel like I am too much work for another, because who wants to put that much effort into getting close to someone else?
I have become good at concealing my weakness.
I don't need anyone.
I think I am okay with, or at least, have come to terms with the invisible walls I have placed around my heart.
I can handle, and enjoy life alone.
Although, I worry...what if something happens and I need care.
I lived through my mom having a terminal illness.
What would I do if that happens to me?
As someone who feels they don't need anyone,
I guess I hope my life just ends.
I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
I know what will happen, and the thought saddens me...my care will fall on my kids, and my sister.
I don't want that.
Did my own mom have these feelings?
Rationally, I know it didn't matter in her situation.
My siblings and I did everything for our mom,
because she was our mom.
Period.
But, I wasn't a child of divorce.
For some reason, that seems to make a difference in my mind.
I know it's because I feel that divorce in a child's life seems to represent family doesn't matter.
No stick-to-it-ness.
No longer a united front.
This is fallout from divorce.
Maybe if I was divorced when my children were younger, and not in their early 20's, where my ex and I had to work together for the kids sake, I would feel differently.
I remain annoyed that I have to share MY kids, with their father.
Maybe I haven't completely let it go, as I'd like to think.
I was deeply wounded.
As young adults, my children have their own lives.
Heaven knows, life has all ready dealt my sister enough adversity.
No one needs me as a burden.
So, how do people deal with this thought?
Let me clarify, I am not sick.
I do not have a terminal illness.
I do have a mind that races though.
I think, too much.
Focusing on the positives,
I am blessed.
I do realize it.
I do feel balanced.
Life really is good.
I am my own person.
~Lisa Kroll
common super woman, and thinker
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Blogging Music:
Frozen: The Broadway Musical by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez
