I'm thinking about writing tonight, but I'm looking through rough drafts from my past. I don't think I believe I'm really toxic as when I first wrote this, but I do not trust. How the heck can I learn to do that? How do you trust someone with the most valuable part of yourself?
*****
From this past November
Life is short.
I don't know how to stop looking for love. People say, it happens when you least expect it, but I think I expect all the time. I am constantly on the lookout. I just can't believe this is how my life is supposed to play out. I am a social being. Why do I continue to be alone? I just don't get it.
I watch people all the time. I am always wondering, how did they end up together? What do they have that gives them that stick-to-it-ness, to stick together? Of course, I still live in my bubble. I feel I was the cause of what happened. For some reason, I am being punished, I must deserve this. I am too toxic. Maybe I am supposed to be getting the toxicity out of my system. Maybe that's what happens when one gains confidence and self-esteem. Toxicity oozes out. I find I smile more. I stop what I am doing, really pause, and look around. What I see makes me smile from my heart. I was raking today and at my back gate, I paused, looked at my house and my heart swelled with pride. I have a house. Then Toby ran up to me. I smiled even more.
I stopped and took time to sit with him as he laid down, wanting a belly rub. He was on his back, soaking up the sunshine and I rubbed his belly and behind his ears. He's such a good boy. And he is MY dog.
~Lisa Kroll
