Five Years - Happy Independence Day to Me!

Good Heavens!  I have come a long way.

Five years ago, on June 10, 2015, I sat in a small mediation room, with my sister, my attorney and the mediator who would come in and out, going back and forth between my room and some other room that held my soon-to-be-ex and his attorney.  I was so nervous, filled with tears, disappointment, and anger.  My life had been changing for the past six months to few years, but I hadn't realized it. This day was the official end of my marriage.  Twenty-eight years, six months, and 14 days, plus a year and a half before of knowing and being engaged to this person. Thirty years is a long time to be in a routine.

Moving forward...

I am so much happier.  I have always been a capable person, but I wasn't able to see it.  I lived with someone who was unable to build me up, or just celebrate how capable I was without feeling his own insecurities grow.  I walked on eggshells when I was around him.  I was always thinking I needed to please him, when he was an impossible person to please. I have freedom from emotional abuse, finally.

I am at peace. I am filled with gratitude. I will walk around the backyard and look at my house, and I feel the gratitude.  When I walk my pooch down the street and then come back to the front, or pull in the driveway after being out...I am in awe.  This is MY house.  All mine.  Good or bad, I get to make all decisions on it, and I feel so blessed.  The Burrow is a wonderful place.  Sometimes, I will be in my carport and I will talk to the corner of the Burrow.  I thank it for always protecting me, making me feel safe, and being such a good house.  I kiss the stone and whisper, "thank you."  I truly am grateful for my house.  It has been a place I could heal, and grow.  I miss my mom, but I know its is because of her, and my stepdad passing that the Burrow is mine. They gave me financial support from the grave.  It was something that gave me a foundation to start over: a home base, grounding.

Since my divorce, I have gone back to work full-time.  I am grateful for the days of raising my children, but I am invigorated each day I teach.  Some days I come home so exhausted.  If I sit down on my couch, I'll need to nap or might be out for the night, but I am deeply happy. There are challenges in my job, but THIS is what I've been meant to do in addition to being a mom.

Since my divorce, I have discovered that I am so much more compassionate and knowledgeable than I once thought.  I am a curious soul, who enjoys looking for answers. I want to understand others views, stands and ideas.  I am able to listen, read, and ask questions.

Since my divorce, I have realized that my thoughts and opinions are sometimes shared with others.  I have found that if I speak up, I am not alone.  Emotional isolation is no longer part of my life.

Since my divorce, I have discovered how much of a problem solver I am.  Just last week, I needed to replace the back tires on a garden utility cart.  Age had rust-fused one of the tires, and several screws in place.  Faced with buy a new cart, or fix what I had, I opted for the latter.  I ordered a part, and then needed to work on removing rusted screws.  It took me a few days, but I was successful!  I know I can't solve or fix every problem, but I am learning my limits, how to ask for help, and love trying to fix things.

Since my divorce, I have learned that I have many of my own passions, and other people share them.  I don't have to put my passions on hold for another.

Since my divorce, I have learned that I do need alone time, and that alone time is a healthy thing.

Five years ago I was seeing a therapist.  She said I needed to give myself time to grow.  I didn't think it was possible to ever heal.  I do feel I am a different person now.  I feel I am who I am supposed to be.  I am emotionally healthy and happy.

I dislike when people tell me I am an inspiration.  I didn't aspire to be divorced in life and go through all this.  However, if I am an inspiration, then I want all to know life after divorce has challenges.  It will knock you on your butt if you weren't expecting it, like me. However, if you allow yourself to grieve, seek therapy, be forgiving to yourself, and heal, you will come out even better.

Time is a beautiful gift to give oneself, and a huge necessity.

Happy Five Years of Independence to Me!

Welcome to the Club!

Social Isolation.

It's a thing we all been doing since March 25 or so.
We have been shutting ourselves up within our houses.
Not going out in to public.
Not being with others, except those in our immediate family.
Being very...well, isolated.

*****

For five years I have spent the weekends and summers mostly by myself.
Social Isolation, before it was a thing.

It's true I wasn't always alone, I have dated now and then, and I do have family and friends I could and would see.  I used to dread Friday nights, even hate them.  Friday nights meant I would leave school, go home to an empty house, and know I would have 61 long hours alone until Monday morning.

I was forced to deal with my isolation.  No one made me stay home.  I could freely go out and be around others. However, one's own brain certainly gets ideas stuck in it, which does not allow you to move emotionally forward. Self doubts, societal norms and ghosts in my mind from my past used to eat me alive.

I really did need to learn to look inside and love myself.  I am comfortable now, and truth be told even crave quiet, alone time.  I am not as bothered by it as I once was.  It has taken this pandemic to make me realize just how much I've grown.  I don't mind going to concerts or movies alone. Of course I enjoy being with others, but I can happily do so much by myself.  I have learned to reach out and ask if I want company.  I have learned how to make plans with friends.  It sounds silly, but I have placed so much, too much really, value on being married that when it ended, all I could see was that I was a failure and everyone around me MUST see it too.  Silly me.  I do know that now.

In the past several months, other have freaked out by feeling trapped in their own spaces.  I have had people I haven't really heard from in awhile "check" on me, mostly because they are suddenly isolated and claim they are worried about me.  Ha!  No offense folks, but where were you four years ago when I was at rock bottom?  Here is what you need to know about someone who has found themselves single after years of being married and raising kids who are technically out of the house...we are solid and cool and fine and so able to handle this pandemic isolation crap.  In fact, what I have to say to you is...

Welcome to the Club! Relax.  We are all going to be just fine.

What kind of person...

What kind of a person is married for 28 years...

...and then takes his new wife to the place where he honeymooned with his first wife?

AND,

...he also takes her to the same rental cottage (house) that he went to with his family, including his ex-wife?  It's not like he went just once to this place in his past life, they went many, many times, including a Thanksgiving where they took their brand new dog.

What kind of a person does this?  Who is okay doing this???

Just wondering.

Should I feel sorry for her?

I do.

She is either ignorant, or beaten down.  Since I don't know her, I don't know which it might be.
I feel sorry for her that she is under the illusion that she cannot speak her mind, or that her feelings and thoughts aren't valid.  I lived that.  I know better now.

If she doesn't care that he is taking her to a place he has been in his past with another woman, then I wonder about her intellect. Maybe HE is trying to relive his past.  From my perspective, he did have a fantastic first wife.  She would be pretty hard to top.  Although, she was growing strong in her own opinions and thoughts.  She also wasn't feeling the need to worship the ground he walked on anymore.  She was starting to realize he wasn't a partner, but an emotional user and abuser.

I suppose they both deserve one another.