The reality that I am alone is with me every day.
I am surrounded by others for about 12 hours each day while I work, but then return to my roost. At home I am alone and no one bothers me. My animals offer me acceptance, love and joy.
I keep thinking why am I alone in this universe with no human partner to share my time? Why does it seem that no one wants to be with me? Then my self esteem starts to sink, and I do what I keep telling myself I won't do...I get on a dating site.
What I have come to realize is that in order to get anyone interested in me on the dating sites, I have to dumb myself down. I have to simplify myself. Who wants a woman in their life who has more education than they have? Who wants a woman who is a problem solver and is willing to try to fix things on her own? Who wants a woman who is cultured and has opinions? I have also come to realize, THIS is what women have always had to do. We dumb ourselves down. We tend to make men feel better, smarter, stronger, etc. while we sell ourselves short. It makes them feel better, admired, like they are more powerful. We literally give our power away.
I am tired of this cycle. I think I was living in the end of one era. I wouldn't change how things played out for me. I have two children, and they mean the world to me. They are the only thing my ex did with me that matters as I age. This thought crosses my mind at times...maybe subconsciously I used him to get what I wanted? I DID always want to be a mom. Socially, I married up, in hopes he'd bring good genes to the mix. He did. My children are healthy, and he was as willing to be the sole bread winner, as I was willing to manage our household, free-of charge, while sacrificing my earning potential, supporting all he did, so he could get as far as he could in his career for us, his family, in order to give what I thought was the best home life to our children: a stay-at-home parent. It seems today's world requires double incomes in order for most families to survive. Maybe it is better this way. People can enter into a relationship where they are partners right from the beginning.
Moving forward. I'd love to have a partner by my side. Someone who admires my drive, as I would admire his. Someone who values what I am, as I would value him. Someone who supports my dreams, as I would support his. Someone who doesn't need a woman who dumbs herself down to make him feel powerful, because I am done with that.
I am roaring, and still working on loving myself fully.
~Lisa Kroll
Sunday, September 15, 2019
Sunday, May 5, 2019
My Sixth Women Build
A Day of Volunteering....
Day 2, April 27, 2019
Women Build - Habitat for Humanity, is happening right now in my community!
Last weekend was my time to volunteer. This was my sixth year to build. What I take away from this experience is hard to put into words, but let me try. As a teacher, I am a difference maker everyday. The differences I make happen mentally and emotionally in each of my students, but those differences cannot be seen by the naked eye. If I'm lucky, I'll see my students grow up and become wonderful human beings, and maybe, just maybe I'll hear 'thanks, Ms. Kroll. You made a difference for me.' Those are words I do not ever expect to hear. I do what I do, because in my heart, I know my students need to understand they are human and should be always open to learning. We don't know everything, and that's okay! I think there are pressures on students and teachers, to make sure all are perfect. That's just not realistic, and that's not how life works. So, as a teacher, my personal goal is to be a difference maker. I aim to spark curiosity and an attitude of how can I (individuals, not me) find the answer. I know my work each day, goes unseen by most. With building for Habitat, what I do is so tangible. The results of my hard work can quickly be seen. Sometimes, it's nice to do something, be able to stand back, and think, "Wow! I did that."
Last year, on my build day, I was asked to give the devotion. I was excited to do so. I posted what I had to say on my old blog. You can go read those words here if you'd like: Words to build by/2018.
This year, I stepped up my commitment to Women Build, and decided to co-lead a team with one of my favorite seasoned veterans, and friends. With the exception of the very first year I built, I believe I have always been on her team. I quickly volunteered to give this year's devotion when we talked about who would do that task.
Here's what I had to say this year:
(page 213)
***
Day 2, April 27, 2019
Women Build - Habitat for Humanity, is happening right now in my community!
Last weekend was my time to volunteer. This was my sixth year to build. What I take away from this experience is hard to put into words, but let me try. As a teacher, I am a difference maker everyday. The differences I make happen mentally and emotionally in each of my students, but those differences cannot be seen by the naked eye. If I'm lucky, I'll see my students grow up and become wonderful human beings, and maybe, just maybe I'll hear 'thanks, Ms. Kroll. You made a difference for me.' Those are words I do not ever expect to hear. I do what I do, because in my heart, I know my students need to understand they are human and should be always open to learning. We don't know everything, and that's okay! I think there are pressures on students and teachers, to make sure all are perfect. That's just not realistic, and that's not how life works. So, as a teacher, my personal goal is to be a difference maker. I aim to spark curiosity and an attitude of how can I (individuals, not me) find the answer. I know my work each day, goes unseen by most. With building for Habitat, what I do is so tangible. The results of my hard work can quickly be seen. Sometimes, it's nice to do something, be able to stand back, and think, "Wow! I did that."
Last year, on my build day, I was asked to give the devotion. I was excited to do so. I posted what I had to say on my old blog. You can go read those words here if you'd like: Words to build by/2018.
This year, I stepped up my commitment to Women Build, and decided to co-lead a team with one of my favorite seasoned veterans, and friends. With the exception of the very first year I built, I believe I have always been on her team. I quickly volunteered to give this year's devotion when we talked about who would do that task.
Here's what I had to say this year:
'It wasn’t long ago,
I was sure I couldn’t exist if my life changed.
I thought my life was perfect.
'Then changes rained down on me.
I have come to realize that change touches us all.
When we are in the midst of it, we can feel alone,
isolated,
and sometimes even paralyzed.
'Change can be daunting.
Change can be scary and cause us to close up.
It can cause us to shut out the world around us.
In order to fully deal with change,
we need to allow ourselves to grieve,
to laugh
and to evaluate where we stand in life.
'When we are ready,
we can then be vulnerable again,
which means we are ready to move forward,
ready to take chances,
ready to learn from the changes.
'As we gather today, I know we are a group who is willing to be vulnerable...come on, we are building two houses, which is a daunting task if you stand back and really think about THAT.
'We come today willing to make mistakes,
but ready to ask for help
and ready to ask for support
'As we come together today,
what we are doing will have an affect not only on the homeowners for whom we are building, but also on each of us.
Together, we are collectively showing others they are worthy of love,
and belonging.
I believe along with empowerment,
this is the heart of Habitat...to support communities where all feel worthy of love and belonging.
As we build today,
I ask the powers above and within our universe to look down on us.
I ask the powers to make sure in each hammer swing,
in each board we touch,
and on each spot of ground we step to make sure the spirit of our love,
our sense of worth and belonging
seeps into these dwellings, so our future homeowners can go forward feeling our collective positivity every day.
I want to close with a poem from one of my favorite young poets,
Rupi Kaur from her book, the sun and her flowers.
It’s called Legacy
i stand
on the sacrifices
of a million women before me
thinking
what can I do
to make this mountain taller
so the women after me
can see farther
***
My friends,
this is you today.
Go build a house!!!
____________
Here are a few pictures from our day, and from the house I helped build.
Typically, the two houses are almost side-by-side going up, but this year they were about a half block apart. It was just far enough, that it felt like we were two teams, and competing.
 |
| Just getting started. I spent the day climbing up and down a ten foot ladder and placing top plate boards. |
 |
| Framing a window wall. |
 |
| My friend, Karen, on her first build! |
 |
| I was definitely in one of my happy places! |
 |
| This was our first wall that would go up. Our house put the press board, insulation and wrap on the outside wall before we raised them. |
It was great to be working with so many of my close friends this year!
Of course I met new friends, too. I love that about volunteering!
 |
| THIS is one of my school secretaries! She came and joined my team this year. |
 |
| From my ladder, you can see the other (pink) house going up in the distance, on the other side of the storage unit. |
 |
| Blueprints |
 |
| Holding the wall in place until it was more secure. My job, connected all the walls together at the tops, gave even more stability to the house. |
 |
| Sometimes you need a little more power to move things into place! |
 |
| Outside walls in place, time to make the inside walls! |
 |
| Limited space didn't bother us! |
 |
| My friends Michelle and Shelley were in charge of the saw. |
 |
| Future home owner, Jacob with my friends, Rebecca and Jennifer! |
 |
| Both house crews came together for our group picture. |
 |
| My friend, Joann and Michelle's mom, Carol, are helping secure the wrap on an outside wall. |
 |
| Pink hard hat up high is me!!! Securing the walls to one another. |
 |
| I was on the ground now and then. Here I was taking apart top and bottom frame boards. Like a puzzle, I had to read the pencil markings on each, then hammer in the appropriate 2x4s, etc. |
 |
| Making that wall from the above picture. |
 |
| This picture makes me so happy, because the official photographer took it! I spent my time taking pictures of others, and it was fun to see myself in the days pictures online. |
 |
| Raise... |
 |
| ...that... |
 |
| ...wall! |
 |
| Interior walls around the bathroom. |
 |
| Spying from above on all my friends. |
 |
| House 1 at the end of the day! |
 |
| House 2 at the end of the day! |
Both houses were ready for the tresses to go up on the next build day when we were done at 5-ish. I've been on the roof for the past four years, and I have to admit, this build day was a blast, too! It is amazing to watch a house go from a flat pad to a place with rooms! Again, it is so wonderful to be able to work side-by-side with the future homeowners as well.
As I was listening to the conversations below me while I secured top plates, I heard the crew giddy with happiness. They were taking in the fact that THEY had built walls and made the place actually look like a house! It was a wonderful moment to witness. For me, being part of the Habitat Women Build is addicting. I was happy to hear others sounding like they have caught the bug as well.
I am grateful, as always, to be able to give back to my community in this way. If you are one of my donors, thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping fund my passion.
~Lisa Kroll
builder, friend, difference maker
Saturday, March 16, 2019
... Notes to Self...
I've kept journals my entire life.
My journals are filled with my feelings,
emotions,
with stories from my perspective,
with memories,
with hurt,
with laughter,
and random thoughts.
As the world has changed,
I have taken to writing in different forms
...hence my blogs.
I believe when someone writes,
they want others to read their words.
Even if those words are secret words,
once written in a journal.
In the past few years,
I have found I enjoy leaving little notes
for myself to find later.
I started first leaving notes in my artificial Christmas tree box,
on 4x6 note cards...
Note 1:
"Remember -
You took the
lights off the
tree & need to
buy more!
"Look for ones
w/blue & purple
(LED's maybe)
:) 1-10-15
_____
Note 2:
"New Lights
in 2015
*****
S suggested
I put a $20 bill in
here for later.
Sadly, I have no
cash on hand.
1-16-16
Wouldn't mind more
lights next year -
like 300 more!
_____
Note 3:
"In 2015 I thought
I needed an additional
300 lights.
S told me I
should leave a $20 bill in the tree.
I didn't follow his
advice.
Put the tree up in 2016 & thought - I
still need those extra
lights. Decorated the
tree anyway, although
I almost didn't, only
"(flip card - back side of card and smaller writing)
because I threatened to go minimalist.
M helped me & we got out only
the snowflakes. The tree was
awesome! But, needed more lights &
a new topper. I bought more
lights after it was decorated but
didn't put them up. If I am still friends
w/BR in December 2017 he needs
to see the tree w/all the lights on it.
Had he known my mom he would have
understood. When he sees the tree tell him 'Told ya so!" Still not
leaving myself a $20. It's a great
idea S, but I don't trust the
mice. <3 Mom
P.S. Thanks M for insisting
last year that we
decorate w/all snowflakes! (insert Snowflake emoji here)
"(back on front, said in tiny print)
Jan. 22, 2017 TAKING THE TREE DOWN TONIGHT
P.S. New lights are still in boxes w/Christmas stuff,
Not w/tree!
_____
Note 4:
"1-12-18
Dear Self,
You enjoyed reading your
note last year as you unpacked
the tree. I'm thinking this
should be a new tradition.
I'm still not putting $ in
here as S suggested a
few years back. That's still a
fun idea, but...what if I throw
out this tree and not look for
the note?...playing its safe again.
You made it through the
holiday without many tears.
You are creating your own
new traditions. You have new
animals and are re-discovering
things you love. Keep going!
Secretly you do know
you're a rock star! You're
"(flip to backside)
humble though. You like the
praise, but love sharing the
spot light, too.
You have so many people
who love and admire you.
Keeping loving! Keep sharing
your thoughts! When are
you going to write a
book? Keep teaching - You're
really good at that! You
help so many that way.
Keep telling yourself that
money comes easily to
you, good things are coming
and love WILL find you.
Share your love, understanding and
positivity - and know you really do
love yourself! Me (insert smilie face with curly hair emoji)
_____
February 17, 2019
I haven't written my note yet.
I am at a much, much better place emotionally.
Maybe that's why I wrote those other notes...I knew I'd need the encouragement.
I suspect I'll write about how going to New York for Thanksgiving
really helped me this holiday season.
Thanksgiving though Valentine's Day has always been hard for me to get through,
but this year it was wonderful.
I think I'm over the hump!
My new challenge for myself is learn to keep my independence in all my relationships.
I read somewhere, "A healthy relationship is one where two independent people just make a deal that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves."
I love it!
Heading towards five years of being divorced.
What a long road towards healing this has been.
It's fair to say, each person has their own path they must travel down when dealing with changing relationships.
Not all relationships are the same.
Some people start dealing with an impending divorce long before the actual act happens.
I did not.
However, I am grateful for this journey.
I am more myself than I thought I could ever be.
Off to write my note now....
My journals are filled with my feelings,
emotions,
with stories from my perspective,
with memories,
with hurt,
with laughter,
and random thoughts.
As the world has changed,
I have taken to writing in different forms
...hence my blogs.
I believe when someone writes,
they want others to read their words.
Even if those words are secret words,
once written in a journal.
In the past few years,
I have found I enjoy leaving little notes
for myself to find later.
I started first leaving notes in my artificial Christmas tree box,
on 4x6 note cards...
Note 1:
"Remember -
You took the
lights off the
tree & need to
buy more!
"Look for ones
w/blue & purple
(LED's maybe)
:) 1-10-15
_____
Note 2:
"New Lights
in 2015
*****
S suggested
I put a $20 bill in
here for later.
Sadly, I have no
cash on hand.
1-16-16
Wouldn't mind more
lights next year -
like 300 more!
_____
Note 3:
"In 2015 I thought
I needed an additional
300 lights.
S told me I
should leave a $20 bill in the tree.
I didn't follow his
advice.
Put the tree up in 2016 & thought - I
still need those extra
lights. Decorated the
tree anyway, although
I almost didn't, only
"(flip card - back side of card and smaller writing)
because I threatened to go minimalist.
M helped me & we got out only
the snowflakes. The tree was
awesome! But, needed more lights &
a new topper. I bought more
lights after it was decorated but
didn't put them up. If I am still friends
w/BR in December 2017 he needs
to see the tree w/all the lights on it.
Had he known my mom he would have
understood. When he sees the tree tell him 'Told ya so!" Still not
leaving myself a $20. It's a great
idea S, but I don't trust the
mice. <3 Mom
P.S. Thanks M for insisting
last year that we
decorate w/all snowflakes! (insert Snowflake emoji here)
"(back on front, said in tiny print)
Jan. 22, 2017 TAKING THE TREE DOWN TONIGHT
P.S. New lights are still in boxes w/Christmas stuff,
Not w/tree!
_____
Note 4:
"1-12-18
Dear Self,
You enjoyed reading your
note last year as you unpacked
the tree. I'm thinking this
should be a new tradition.
I'm still not putting $ in
here as S suggested a
few years back. That's still a
fun idea, but...what if I throw
out this tree and not look for
the note?...playing its safe again.
You made it through the
holiday without many tears.
You are creating your own
new traditions. You have new
animals and are re-discovering
things you love. Keep going!
Secretly you do know
you're a rock star! You're
"(flip to backside)
humble though. You like the
praise, but love sharing the
spot light, too.
You have so many people
who love and admire you.
Keeping loving! Keep sharing
your thoughts! When are
you going to write a
book? Keep teaching - You're
really good at that! You
help so many that way.
Keep telling yourself that
money comes easily to
you, good things are coming
and love WILL find you.
Share your love, understanding and
positivity - and know you really do
love yourself! Me (insert smilie face with curly hair emoji)
_____
February 17, 2019
I haven't written my note yet.
I am at a much, much better place emotionally.
Maybe that's why I wrote those other notes...I knew I'd need the encouragement.
I suspect I'll write about how going to New York for Thanksgiving
really helped me this holiday season.
Thanksgiving though Valentine's Day has always been hard for me to get through,
but this year it was wonderful.
I think I'm over the hump!
My new challenge for myself is learn to keep my independence in all my relationships.
I read somewhere, "A healthy relationship is one where two independent people just make a deal that they will help make the other person the best version of themselves."
I love it!
Heading towards five years of being divorced.
What a long road towards healing this has been.
It's fair to say, each person has their own path they must travel down when dealing with changing relationships.
Not all relationships are the same.
Some people start dealing with an impending divorce long before the actual act happens.
I did not.
However, I am grateful for this journey.
I am more myself than I thought I could ever be.
Off to write my note now....
~Lisa Kroll
lover of life, love warrior, independent soul
Sunday, February 17, 2019
When they go...Spring Cleaning
I knew the day would come.
When I had my children, I knew they would grow up, and finally, really, truly, leave the nest.
College doesn't count for my two.
Living in a college town, my two didn't have far to go to get their education.
They never really left 'home'.
Last September, my son really did leave. He's officially on his own. Two hundred, thirty-four miles or four hours away. Yes, he was living on his own in town, but he's away now and I can't pop over and see him, or drive by his house...like that creepy, stalker mom in the children book, "Love you, Forever" If you don't recall this book, the mom rocks her baby, and eventually adult son, and says, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
One day, the tables turn and the son rocks his mom in her old age.
It makes me get teary-eyed to even think about that story.
I am very proud of my son, but I am not a creepy, stalker Mom.
My daughter is next to leave. I am very proud of her, too! She and her boyfriend are contemplating where they will next land. I suspect they will move out west, and be near his parents. I told her she needs to raise her non-existent babies near me. Her response was that I will just make her babies fat. That hurt. I know she was just kidding, but old scars run deep. She and I later talked about that conversation, and she realizes I didn't make her or her brother fat, and said she needs me to be the one who bakes with her kids and teaches them how to feel comfortable in the kitchen. She said she needs me to spoil them; her non-existent, future kids.
I am excited for the next stage in my daughter's life.
I'm ready to let her go. (swallow and hold back tears)
I am trying to be positive.
Soon, I will finally feel I'm allowed to claim my house as my own.
Financially, it's all mine, but my rooms are filled with the past of others.
I have been the storage unit that has cemented my families past history. I know I need to give myself permission to get rid of everyone's stuff. I have been left to manage all the leftover, unwanted things from the past life. Things from many past lives. Why has all this been left for me to deal with?
I suppose as a mom, and person who does cling to memories, it just came naturally for everyone to feel they could walk away, knowing I'd deal with it. I just haven't been ready to let it all go.
Everything is here.
From underwear that hasn't fit for years, to childhood toys, to discarded college furniture.
It's all mine now.
Making decisions on where it goes from here is not a big deal.
Looking at each item, and reliving the memories attached to some of them is a big deal.
I will relive the silly memories.
I will relive the proud memories.
I will discover the secret memories.
This I can do alone. Just like everything else, I've got this.
Every parent goes through this task in one way or another.
Some parents are less emotional.
Damn my feelings.
I should make plans on what I'll do with the tons of money I'll get from selling all the crap in my house. Truthfully, I won't make any plans. It won't be that much, and I will just add it to my bank account. Then, when one of my kids needs something, I can easily offer to help out, if needed.
Maybe I need to think about selling the Burrow? Except, I know that's almost too much change for me to handle. Baby steps. I don't know how I've survived all the change I have so far. I just keep waking up each day. When my eyes open, I realize how much I DO have. Then I thank the universe, and think about how I can give back.
Truthfully, how I deal is I release,
cry,
mourn the loss,
then eventually move forward.
I am emptying my heart
little by little.
I hate that I am so fucking emotional.
Why can I just not care?
What the hell is my purpose now in this life?
Where is that damn crystal ball when I need it?
Hmm, maybe I'll find it in all the crap!
I am how I am.
Life is filled with stages.
The best we can do is tackle them all,
one at a time.
Baby steps.
Cleansing little by little,
When I had my children, I knew they would grow up, and finally, really, truly, leave the nest.
College doesn't count for my two.
Living in a college town, my two didn't have far to go to get their education.
They never really left 'home'.
Last September, my son really did leave. He's officially on his own. Two hundred, thirty-four miles or four hours away. Yes, he was living on his own in town, but he's away now and I can't pop over and see him, or drive by his house...like that creepy, stalker mom in the children book, "Love you, Forever" If you don't recall this book, the mom rocks her baby, and eventually adult son, and says, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
One day, the tables turn and the son rocks his mom in her old age.
It makes me get teary-eyed to even think about that story.
I am very proud of my son, but I am not a creepy, stalker Mom.
My daughter is next to leave. I am very proud of her, too! She and her boyfriend are contemplating where they will next land. I suspect they will move out west, and be near his parents. I told her she needs to raise her non-existent babies near me. Her response was that I will just make her babies fat. That hurt. I know she was just kidding, but old scars run deep. She and I later talked about that conversation, and she realizes I didn't make her or her brother fat, and said she needs me to be the one who bakes with her kids and teaches them how to feel comfortable in the kitchen. She said she needs me to spoil them; her non-existent, future kids.
I am excited for the next stage in my daughter's life.
I'm ready to let her go. (swallow and hold back tears)
I am trying to be positive.
Soon, I will finally feel I'm allowed to claim my house as my own.
Financially, it's all mine, but my rooms are filled with the past of others.
I have been the storage unit that has cemented my families past history. I know I need to give myself permission to get rid of everyone's stuff. I have been left to manage all the leftover, unwanted things from the past life. Things from many past lives. Why has all this been left for me to deal with?
I suppose as a mom, and person who does cling to memories, it just came naturally for everyone to feel they could walk away, knowing I'd deal with it. I just haven't been ready to let it all go.
Everything is here.
From underwear that hasn't fit for years, to childhood toys, to discarded college furniture.
It's all mine now.
Making decisions on where it goes from here is not a big deal.
Looking at each item, and reliving the memories attached to some of them is a big deal.
I will relive the silly memories.
I will relive the proud memories.
I will discover the secret memories.
This I can do alone. Just like everything else, I've got this.
Every parent goes through this task in one way or another.
Some parents are less emotional.
Damn my feelings.
I should make plans on what I'll do with the tons of money I'll get from selling all the crap in my house. Truthfully, I won't make any plans. It won't be that much, and I will just add it to my bank account. Then, when one of my kids needs something, I can easily offer to help out, if needed.
Maybe I need to think about selling the Burrow? Except, I know that's almost too much change for me to handle. Baby steps. I don't know how I've survived all the change I have so far. I just keep waking up each day. When my eyes open, I realize how much I DO have. Then I thank the universe, and think about how I can give back.
Truthfully, how I deal is I release,
cry,
mourn the loss,
then eventually move forward.
I am emptying my heart
little by little.
I hate that I am so fucking emotional.
Why can I just not care?
What the hell is my purpose now in this life?
Where is that damn crystal ball when I need it?
Hmm, maybe I'll find it in all the crap!
I am how I am.
Life is filled with stages.
The best we can do is tackle them all,
one at a time.
Baby steps.
Cleansing little by little,
~Lisa Kroll
mother, keeper of past life memories, grateful
Saturday, February 9, 2019
Self Reflections...
When I allow myself to be a little vulnerable, I start to feel broken or defective. I realize we are our own, harshest critics. I need to remember to live in the moment. The me I have come to know in the past few years is so competent. She is far from broken, or defective. She is a wonder woman and she can do anything.
Outwardly, I put on a great front.
Don't feel, conceal.
Inside, I am incredibly sensitive.
I crave touching,
and kissing
and closeness.
I miss intimacy more than I think,
but there is more to life than that. Right?
I fill my voids with my pets.
I have set such tight boundaries up around my heart.
When I am human, and allow myself to feel,
then is when I notice those feelings of being defective or broken surfacing.
Do I really need to be cold hearted forever in order to not get hurt?
Or is this just my internal defense mechanism hard at work still?
Is it a signal that I still do not love myself?
I question my life.
Maybe I don't want to feel trapped, or caged in any relationship because I know myself too well. The pleaser in me will come out and take over. I will do whatever to make sure someone else is happy, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness. I just can't let that happen again. This is why I am worried I can never really re-open my heart.
I crossed paths with a friend, whose wife told him she wants a divorce. We had a nice chat and caught up. Truth be told, I've always enjoyed when our paths crossed. He's sweet, mentally snarky, kind, and smart. I definitely wouldn't mind sharing more time with him once his divorce is finalized, and he's had time to deal with his changing life. That is, if he has the same thoughts.
I am realistic.
Timing is everything, and we aren't at the same place.
Will I ever be at the same place with another?
Will I ever be able to feel like I'm worth it for someone?
How does one relearn to trust others with their heart?
Just a little self-reflection.
Outwardly, I put on a great front.
Don't feel, conceal.
Inside, I am incredibly sensitive.
I crave touching,
and kissing
and closeness.
I miss intimacy more than I think,
but there is more to life than that. Right?
I fill my voids with my pets.
I have set such tight boundaries up around my heart.
When I am human, and allow myself to feel,
then is when I notice those feelings of being defective or broken surfacing.
Do I really need to be cold hearted forever in order to not get hurt?
Or is this just my internal defense mechanism hard at work still?
Is it a signal that I still do not love myself?
I question my life.
Maybe I don't want to feel trapped, or caged in any relationship because I know myself too well. The pleaser in me will come out and take over. I will do whatever to make sure someone else is happy, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness. I just can't let that happen again. This is why I am worried I can never really re-open my heart.
I crossed paths with a friend, whose wife told him she wants a divorce. We had a nice chat and caught up. Truth be told, I've always enjoyed when our paths crossed. He's sweet, mentally snarky, kind, and smart. I definitely wouldn't mind sharing more time with him once his divorce is finalized, and he's had time to deal with his changing life. That is, if he has the same thoughts.
I am realistic.
Timing is everything, and we aren't at the same place.
Will I ever be at the same place with another?
Will I ever be able to feel like I'm worth it for someone?
How does one relearn to trust others with their heart?
Just a little self-reflection.
~Lisa Kroll
deep thinker, critic, animal lover, Elsa
Sunday, January 6, 2019
Winner: Best Christmas Gift, EVER
...and the prize goes to...
...my son.
He didn't buy the perfect gift for me, although what he did buy for me was wonderful. He bought and made a gift for his grandma that tugged at my heart strings.
His gift was this, a wooden advent calendar. He had written a note to go along with his gift that said,
My personal favorite memory recalled was when my imaginative, four-year-old son shared who his father really was to his grandfather. At the breakfast table after one sleepover, my FIL said something about Chris and my son said, "Chris isn't my father." Puzzled, my FIL asked who was my son's father, his response was a very straight faced and serious "Darth Vader is my father." I loved when Luke Skywalker lived in my household.
Expanded stories and Tangents
A funny we used to share between households was when walking into the other's house you would shout, "Is anyone here?" Only to get the response, "Ain't Nobody Here but Us Chickens." When my MIL read that memory she giggled and said, "I'll always want you to sing that. I think I once bought your grandpa a pop gun, but I can't recall if I really did or am just imagining that." I told her I was sure she did, but as is her generous spirit, she likely gave it away to some kid who came to visit and liked it. For fun, go listen to the great Louis Jordan here: (1947) Ain't Nobody Here But Us Chickens
Jr. Kroll books reminded my MIL, and myself, about a long ago local, family owned book shop called Morgansterns. One day when we walked into the shop, there was a book written by Betty Paraskevas and illustrated by her son Michael, sitting prominently in the children's section. The book was simply called, Jr. Kroll. It is a book filled with poems about the slightly naughty, six year old named Jr. Morgansterns even had a plush Jr. sitting next to the book. My MIL had to own him, and Jr. sat for years on her book shelf. I own several different Jr. Kroll books myself, and that plush boy now sits in my classroom, with his slightly askew, naughty smile looking down on my students.
IU Basketball games lead to a conversation involving my MIL recently going to see The Book of Mormon in Indianapolis. I am aware that there is not a clear connection between these two. This was a tangent! My MIL talked about how she hated the production. "They said the F word too much, and they talked about having...well, I won't tell you. It would spoil Christmas." Giggles can be heard from the rest of us at this point on my recording.
Joe Joe, the Giant was a made up name of some being that may or may not live in the woods behind the houses. Personally, I've never had a problem with him. Joe Snyder, former Sociology professor, who lived through the woods really did exist. "I wonder what ever happened to Joe...I guess he died." More giggles.
Seafood - Especially Crab...lead to "Open that box that Kandace gave me it's perfect for this!"
It was, and it contained crab earrings.
German wines - "Must be my German background," again more giggles. (She's Canadian French/Scottish...married name is Kroll.) Tangent: "When I was little, my grandma's sister married a Harbach or Harbaugh, but it was pronounced Eyeball. My sisters and I would laugh saying Grandma's sister married an eyeball." We could all see those three sisters giddy with laughter and tears in their eyes! I am grateful my children witnessed those three sisters as they aged together. Truly great, great aunts.
Hotdogs.
"Where is the, At Ogle Lake and for Kate's/grandma's birthday?" my daughter and I asked.
Heavens knows we ate our fair share cooked over a grill in Brown County State Park too many times to count. I love when my MIL asks me to go to a ball game with her even today. I take advantage of the time and buy her a hotdog, because I know she LOVES them.
Easter Egg Hunts with Foreign Students. My MIL has hosted international students at the university through Bloomington World Wide Friendship since it's inception over 50 years ago. That means students do not stay with her, but they are included in any family thing or American tradition she deems interesting. Easter Egg hunts have always been her favorite thing to deem interesting and torture, I mean share with the visitors. Sometimes all the real hard-boiled eggs are found, sometimes not.
New Years Eve at the (Memorial) Union - is really at the University Club in the Union. My MIL said after she read this, "I wish people would stop coming to it (the party)! I keep needing to have a party because people keep showing up! They even call it Kate Kroll's New Year Eve Party." Her grandson said she should keep it up then for sure, and edge out Dick Clark.
The basket of toys and playing in the driveway
My daughter piped up for this one. She recalled her grandfather walking around with them as they used the little green tractor and the trailer. Grandpa would use a stick to hold the trailer in the place. If he didn't, the trailer would unhitch spilling it's contents, my daughter, on the driveway. "What a good grandpa he was!"
The rough surface of Aunt Skip's pool brought up singing Gloria In Excelsis Deo in church the night before. Aunt Skip could not hold a tune. She knew it, and she liked to sing loud any way. She particularly like singing,"Glor-or-or-or-or-or-ria." She would give us all ornery looks in church too as she sang. Sample Gloria...if you need reminding. We were on a wonderful tangent now. This brought up how once, all three sisters were singing camp songs or something like that and their mom heard them. She said, with sincerity, "You three, should go on tour." I was there when Grandma Hoffman said this. Her daughters were in their 60's, and her hearing was definitely going. She truly thought her daughters singing was glorious! Oh, a mother's love is priceless.
The stationary bike, ski thing, and sleepovers
A Nordic track was the ski thing. It had shoes left in it all the time. You could slip your feet into the shoes if you suddenly felt the desire to exercise. My kids would do this when they went over to grandma and grandpa's. When they recall sleepovers, they remembered watching The Aristocats on VHS, making forts with the cushions of the couch and playing with, then eating peanut butter play doh.
What wonderful memories to recall!
I wonder if my son knew the magnitude of the gift he was giving?
~Lisa Kroll
former DIL and proud mom
...my son.
He didn't buy the perfect gift for me, although what he did buy for me was wonderful. He bought and made a gift for his grandma that tugged at my heart strings.
His gift was this, a wooden advent calendar. He had written a note to go along with his gift that said,
Grandma,
Inside are moments and memories that make me think of you. I love you very much, and merry Christmas.
Stephen
In the moment, I thought what an amazing gift. I pulled out my phone and I recorded the event. I know it's only been a few days since Christmas, but I went back, and watch again as my former mother-in-law opened her gift. Reflecting now, the gift itself was indeed wonderful, but the greatest part of the gift was actually reliving these little moments and memories with her right then and there. Laughter and tears of joy filled the room. One memory would spark another, or go off on a tangent all it's own. My son, who is 26 years old, recalled memories from his youth. I am grateful that I was able to raise my children so near at least one set of their grandparents. These memories won't mean anything to others, but to us, to our family, they are golden moments. My son recalled IU Basketball games, Seafood, German wines - particularly Gewürztraminer and Riesling, the basket of toys in his grandparents' shed and playing in the driveway, boogie boards, fiber optics, climbing the big pine tree in the backyard, hiking in the woods behind the house, Joe Joe the giant, Easter Egg hunts with foreign students, the rough surface of Aunt Skip's pool, 4th of July picnics with fireworks and cannons, hotdogs, hanging the star in the tree out front at Christmas, the song (by Louis Jordan) "Ain't Nobody Here but Us Chickens," Jr. Kroll books (Betty Paraskevas), New Years Eve at the Memorial Union, Grandma's spooky decorations at Halloween, the stationary bike and ski thing in the backroom, sleepovers, and Fondue.
My personal favorite memory recalled was when my imaginative, four-year-old son shared who his father really was to his grandfather. At the breakfast table after one sleepover, my FIL said something about Chris and my son said, "Chris isn't my father." Puzzled, my FIL asked who was my son's father, his response was a very straight faced and serious "Darth Vader is my father." I loved when Luke Skywalker lived in my household.
Expanded stories and Tangents
A funny we used to share between households was when walking into the other's house you would shout, "Is anyone here?" Only to get the response, "Ain't Nobody Here but Us Chickens." When my MIL read that memory she giggled and said, "I'll always want you to sing that. I think I once bought your grandpa a pop gun, but I can't recall if I really did or am just imagining that." I told her I was sure she did, but as is her generous spirit, she likely gave it away to some kid who came to visit and liked it. For fun, go listen to the great Louis Jordan here: (1947) Ain't Nobody Here But Us Chickens
Jr. Kroll books reminded my MIL, and myself, about a long ago local, family owned book shop called Morgansterns. One day when we walked into the shop, there was a book written by Betty Paraskevas and illustrated by her son Michael, sitting prominently in the children's section. The book was simply called, Jr. Kroll. It is a book filled with poems about the slightly naughty, six year old named Jr. Morgansterns even had a plush Jr. sitting next to the book. My MIL had to own him, and Jr. sat for years on her book shelf. I own several different Jr. Kroll books myself, and that plush boy now sits in my classroom, with his slightly askew, naughty smile looking down on my students.
IU Basketball games lead to a conversation involving my MIL recently going to see The Book of Mormon in Indianapolis. I am aware that there is not a clear connection between these two. This was a tangent! My MIL talked about how she hated the production. "They said the F word too much, and they talked about having...well, I won't tell you. It would spoil Christmas." Giggles can be heard from the rest of us at this point on my recording.
Joe Joe, the Giant was a made up name of some being that may or may not live in the woods behind the houses. Personally, I've never had a problem with him. Joe Snyder, former Sociology professor, who lived through the woods really did exist. "I wonder what ever happened to Joe...I guess he died." More giggles.
Seafood - Especially Crab...lead to "Open that box that Kandace gave me it's perfect for this!"
It was, and it contained crab earrings.
German wines - "Must be my German background," again more giggles. (She's Canadian French/Scottish...married name is Kroll.) Tangent: "When I was little, my grandma's sister married a Harbach or Harbaugh, but it was pronounced Eyeball. My sisters and I would laugh saying Grandma's sister married an eyeball." We could all see those three sisters giddy with laughter and tears in their eyes! I am grateful my children witnessed those three sisters as they aged together. Truly great, great aunts.
Hotdogs.
"Where is the, At Ogle Lake and for Kate's/grandma's birthday?" my daughter and I asked.
Heavens knows we ate our fair share cooked over a grill in Brown County State Park too many times to count. I love when my MIL asks me to go to a ball game with her even today. I take advantage of the time and buy her a hotdog, because I know she LOVES them.
Easter Egg Hunts with Foreign Students. My MIL has hosted international students at the university through Bloomington World Wide Friendship since it's inception over 50 years ago. That means students do not stay with her, but they are included in any family thing or American tradition she deems interesting. Easter Egg hunts have always been her favorite thing to deem interesting and torture, I mean share with the visitors. Sometimes all the real hard-boiled eggs are found, sometimes not.
New Years Eve at the (Memorial) Union - is really at the University Club in the Union. My MIL said after she read this, "I wish people would stop coming to it (the party)! I keep needing to have a party because people keep showing up! They even call it Kate Kroll's New Year Eve Party." Her grandson said she should keep it up then for sure, and edge out Dick Clark.
The basket of toys and playing in the driveway
My daughter piped up for this one. She recalled her grandfather walking around with them as they used the little green tractor and the trailer. Grandpa would use a stick to hold the trailer in the place. If he didn't, the trailer would unhitch spilling it's contents, my daughter, on the driveway. "What a good grandpa he was!"
The rough surface of Aunt Skip's pool brought up singing Gloria In Excelsis Deo in church the night before. Aunt Skip could not hold a tune. She knew it, and she liked to sing loud any way. She particularly like singing,"Glor-or-or-or-or-or-ria." She would give us all ornery looks in church too as she sang. Sample Gloria...if you need reminding. We were on a wonderful tangent now. This brought up how once, all three sisters were singing camp songs or something like that and their mom heard them. She said, with sincerity, "You three, should go on tour." I was there when Grandma Hoffman said this. Her daughters were in their 60's, and her hearing was definitely going. She truly thought her daughters singing was glorious! Oh, a mother's love is priceless.
The stationary bike, ski thing, and sleepovers
A Nordic track was the ski thing. It had shoes left in it all the time. You could slip your feet into the shoes if you suddenly felt the desire to exercise. My kids would do this when they went over to grandma and grandpa's. When they recall sleepovers, they remembered watching The Aristocats on VHS, making forts with the cushions of the couch and playing with, then eating peanut butter play doh.
What wonderful memories to recall!
I wonder if my son knew the magnitude of the gift he was giving?
~Lisa Kroll
former DIL and proud mom
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