Father's Day - 2022
June 19
Nine days ago I celebrated my Independence Day. It has been seven years since I have been a divorced person. I commented to one of my children that it was my Independence Day and they told me they liked me better as the person I am now. I told them I have always been this person, it is just I have the freedom to express myself without living under another's expectations. Also, I like me better now too!
I cannot lie, I loved being married. I loved having another person whom I thought was my best friend in my life. I loved having someone I could count on, to do things with, to share my thoughts and comments. Somewhere along the years of being married, I guess my being that special someone for another changed. Or quite simply, maybe I never was his person. Looking back, I do think I was a good choice for him because I made him look good in other's eyes who mattered to him. I was pretty enough. I was a doting wife who did all that was required of me. I lived up to my end very well. I raised the children, did the laundry, was an excellent cook and cleaner, allowed him to do all he wanted without much complaint. I was expected to be perfect, and in my book, I was. I lived up to unrealistic expectations, and protected my children while my own emotional health took the toll.
It is hard for me to write and not note the amount of emotional abuse I survived. My former life seems unreal. My ex was, and likely is still, charming to most on the surface. If you idolize him, or have something that will benefit him, you are golden. When my FIL died, I ceased being something that benefitted my ex. At least, that's how I see things. When my FIL died, I was also at a personal cross roads. My own parents were both gone. My children were both nearly at the age of emancipation. I was ready to work towards living my second dream and be a classroom teacher. At 49, I got myself back into graduate school, for which I was the sole financially responsible person. When my mom had passed away I was left with a little money that I used for school. Contrary to what my ex was heard saying out loud, he did not pay for me to get my Master's degree. While I was in graduate school he didn't once help me, not even to drive me to class or pick me up. Countless neighbors did. They would see me walking to campus, stop and ask if they could give me a ride. Truth.
While I was in graduate school I was given the silent treatment most nights in our house. Slamming doors and angry aura filled my home. My dog would sit with me and growl when my ex walked through the room. THAT is what I lived with which no one else was privy to witness. Graduate school was a refuge. It was a safe place. It was a place my in which my ex didn't exist. I was surrounded by people who listened when I spoke and worked with me as partners on projects. It was a place I was counted on as a teammate. My cohort literally saved me, and they didn't even know it.
-----
Today, I am sitting on MY back deck, in the house I own: The Burrow. My MIL is 95 and lives right next door. Emotional boundaries have long been established, but I would do most anything for her. I have learned to speak up and use my voice.
Life is so good. I have learned to cherish my alone time. I love sharing time with friends, but appreciate the balance of quiet. I have discovered so much about myself, but all things that were always inside my being. I love nature. I love art. I love music. I love friends. I love cats. I love dogs. I love hiking. I love snow and the changing seasons. I love flowers blooming and gardening. I love caterpillars and butterflies. I love Junior Ranger badges. I love teaching and working along side of other teachers. I love learning. I love advocating. I love building, tinkering, and fixing things. I love taking in deep breaths and listening to the wrens chirping each summer morning. I love fresh air. I love being happy. I love fires in fire pits and fire places. I love NPR and all things public media. I love puzzles and playing games. I love coffee with half and half. I enjoy good food and eating healthy, but also love moderation and cookies or ice cream or Rainbow Bakery donuts. Life is so good.
I glanced at my Facebook profile today. I noticed that I list myself as divorced. I am. That word used to feel so shameful to me. Divorced. It was a symbol that I was a failure. Seven years ago I cut loose the negativeness that was holding me back from being the person I am, the person I have always been. Joy lives in my heart. I am grateful to no longer need to hold it back. It has been a very long journey to get to this point. Self discovery and inner peace are personal to accomplish, and society influences so much. Divorced. Happily, I am.
Always,
Lisa
