What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with me?  

I can't seem to let down the stronghold that is surrounding my heart.  

I spoke of my marriage to a new person.  I rarely speak of my past like this anymore.  It's a trigger for me. A full on panic attack started happening.  My past has effected me more than care to admit.  I know I can't open up completely.  It's simply too risky.  

I really don't think of myself as Elsa, well not too much, but it is way safer to conceal and not feel.  I can handle everything on my own.  Mostly.  

Sitting and pondering, what's wrong with me?  

Maybe it isn't me, but society wants me to believe it is.  

Just thinking...

Lisa 

Labels and Reflections

 Father's Day - 2022

June 19

Nine days ago I celebrated my Independence Day.  It has been seven years since I have been a divorced person. I commented to one of my children that it was my Independence Day and they told me they liked me better as the person I am now.  I told them I have always been this person, it is just I have the freedom to express myself without living under another's expectations.  Also, I like me better now too! 

I cannot lie, I loved being married.  I loved having another person whom I thought was my best friend in my life.  I loved having someone I could count on, to do things with, to share my thoughts and comments. Somewhere along the years of being married, I guess my being that special someone for another changed. Or quite simply, maybe I never was his person.  Looking back, I do think I was a good choice for him because I made him look good in other's eyes who mattered to him.  I was pretty enough.  I was a doting wife who did all that was required of me.  I lived up to my end very well.  I raised the children, did the laundry, was an excellent cook and cleaner, allowed him to do all he wanted without much complaint.  I was expected to be perfect, and in my book, I was.  I lived up to unrealistic expectations, and protected my children while my own emotional health took the toll. 

It is hard for me to write and not note the amount of emotional abuse I survived.  My former life seems unreal. My ex was, and likely is still, charming to most on the surface.  If you idolize him, or have something that will benefit him, you are golden.  When my FIL died, I ceased being something that benefitted my ex.  At least, that's how I see things. When my FIL died, I was also at a personal cross roads.  My own parents were both gone. My children were both nearly at the age of emancipation.  I was ready to work towards living my second dream and be a classroom teacher.  At 49, I got myself back into graduate school, for which I was the sole financially responsible person.  When my mom had passed away I was left with a little money that I used for school.  Contrary to what my ex was heard saying out loud, he did not pay for me to get my Master's degree.  While I was in graduate school he didn't once help me, not even to drive me to class or pick me up.  Countless neighbors did.  They would see me walking to campus, stop and ask if they could give me a ride.  Truth.  

While I was in graduate school I was given the silent treatment most nights in our house.  Slamming doors and angry aura filled my home.  My dog would sit with me and growl when my ex walked through the room.  THAT is what I lived with which no one else was privy to witness.  Graduate school was a refuge.  It was a safe place.  It was a place my in which my ex didn't exist. I was surrounded by people who listened when I spoke and worked with me as partners on projects. It was a place I was counted on as a teammate.  My cohort literally saved me, and they didn't even know it.  

-----

Today, I am sitting on MY back deck, in the house I own: The Burrow.  My MIL is 95 and lives right next door.  Emotional boundaries have long been established, but I would do most anything for her.  I have learned to speak up and use my voice.  

Life is so good.  I have learned to cherish my alone time.  I love sharing time with friends, but appreciate the balance of quiet.  I have discovered so much about myself, but all things that were always inside my being.  I love nature.  I love art.  I love music.  I love friends.  I love cats.  I love dogs.  I love hiking.  I love snow and the changing seasons.  I love flowers blooming and gardening.  I love caterpillars and butterflies. I love Junior Ranger badges. I love teaching and working along side of other teachers.  I love learning.  I love advocating.  I love building, tinkering, and fixing things.  I love taking in deep breaths and listening to the wrens chirping each summer morning.  I love fresh air.  I love being happy.  I love fires in fire pits and fire places.  I love NPR and all things public media. I love puzzles and playing games.  I love coffee with half and half.  I enjoy good food and eating healthy, but also love moderation and cookies or ice cream or Rainbow Bakery donuts.  Life is so good.  

I glanced at my Facebook profile today.  I noticed that I list myself as divorced.  I am.  That word used to feel so shameful to me.  Divorced.  It was a symbol that I was a failure.  Seven years ago I cut loose the negativeness that was holding me back from being the person I am, the person I have always been.  Joy lives in my heart.  I am grateful to no longer need to hold it back.   It has been a very long journey to get to this point.  Self discovery and inner peace are personal to accomplish, and society influences so much. Divorced. Happily, I am. 

Always, 

Lisa 

Feels like Christmas

 Last weekend I was able to get my first dose of the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine.  I swear, it felt like Christmas.  I was so excited!  The night before I was worried that I might miss my scheduled time, so I set two alarms.  It turned out I didn't need any alarm!  I was up way early.  I honestly was so happy; happier than I have been in a long time.  It feels like life may be slightly returning to normal.  Thank goodness!  

Balanced Life Cycle

" It's enough to make you feel crazy...sometimes."

                                ~lana del ray

loneliness 

independence 

loneliness

responsibility 

loneliness  

joy  

loneliness 

decisions

loneliness 

empowerment 

It is a never ending, repeating circle.  

Add to it a pandemic.  

isolation 

loneliness  

solitude  

loneliness 

inner peace 

loneliness

self-worth questioned 

loneliness 

independence 

loneliness 

freedom  

loneliness 

objectified 

loneliness 

heavy heart 

loneliness 

tears 

loneliness 

questioning 

Is this how the rest of my time will be? 

I am so much 

opinionated  

balanced 

edgy 

knowledgeable

financially secure 

filled with positivity 

capable

happy

joyful

healthy

secure 

grounded

open-minded

friendly

passionate

content

full heart

and yet, alone

loneliness...

 

~ Lisa Kroll

Five Years - Happy Independence Day to Me!

Good Heavens!  I have come a long way.

Five years ago, on June 10, 2015, I sat in a small mediation room, with my sister, my attorney and the mediator who would come in and out, going back and forth between my room and some other room that held my soon-to-be-ex and his attorney.  I was so nervous, filled with tears, disappointment, and anger.  My life had been changing for the past six months to few years, but I hadn't realized it. This day was the official end of my marriage.  Twenty-eight years, six months, and 14 days, plus a year and a half before of knowing and being engaged to this person. Thirty years is a long time to be in a routine.

Moving forward...

I am so much happier.  I have always been a capable person, but I wasn't able to see it.  I lived with someone who was unable to build me up, or just celebrate how capable I was without feeling his own insecurities grow.  I walked on eggshells when I was around him.  I was always thinking I needed to please him, when he was an impossible person to please. I have freedom from emotional abuse, finally.

I am at peace. I am filled with gratitude. I will walk around the backyard and look at my house, and I feel the gratitude.  When I walk my pooch down the street and then come back to the front, or pull in the driveway after being out...I am in awe.  This is MY house.  All mine.  Good or bad, I get to make all decisions on it, and I feel so blessed.  The Burrow is a wonderful place.  Sometimes, I will be in my carport and I will talk to the corner of the Burrow.  I thank it for always protecting me, making me feel safe, and being such a good house.  I kiss the stone and whisper, "thank you."  I truly am grateful for my house.  It has been a place I could heal, and grow.  I miss my mom, but I know its is because of her, and my stepdad passing that the Burrow is mine. They gave me financial support from the grave.  It was something that gave me a foundation to start over: a home base, grounding.

Since my divorce, I have gone back to work full-time.  I am grateful for the days of raising my children, but I am invigorated each day I teach.  Some days I come home so exhausted.  If I sit down on my couch, I'll need to nap or might be out for the night, but I am deeply happy. There are challenges in my job, but THIS is what I've been meant to do in addition to being a mom.

Since my divorce, I have discovered that I am so much more compassionate and knowledgeable than I once thought.  I am a curious soul, who enjoys looking for answers. I want to understand others views, stands and ideas.  I am able to listen, read, and ask questions.

Since my divorce, I have realized that my thoughts and opinions are sometimes shared with others.  I have found that if I speak up, I am not alone.  Emotional isolation is no longer part of my life.

Since my divorce, I have discovered how much of a problem solver I am.  Just last week, I needed to replace the back tires on a garden utility cart.  Age had rust-fused one of the tires, and several screws in place.  Faced with buy a new cart, or fix what I had, I opted for the latter.  I ordered a part, and then needed to work on removing rusted screws.  It took me a few days, but I was successful!  I know I can't solve or fix every problem, but I am learning my limits, how to ask for help, and love trying to fix things.

Since my divorce, I have learned that I have many of my own passions, and other people share them.  I don't have to put my passions on hold for another.

Since my divorce, I have learned that I do need alone time, and that alone time is a healthy thing.

Five years ago I was seeing a therapist.  She said I needed to give myself time to grow.  I didn't think it was possible to ever heal.  I do feel I am a different person now.  I feel I am who I am supposed to be.  I am emotionally healthy and happy.

I dislike when people tell me I am an inspiration.  I didn't aspire to be divorced in life and go through all this.  However, if I am an inspiration, then I want all to know life after divorce has challenges.  It will knock you on your butt if you weren't expecting it, like me. However, if you allow yourself to grieve, seek therapy, be forgiving to yourself, and heal, you will come out even better.

Time is a beautiful gift to give oneself, and a huge necessity.

Happy Five Years of Independence to Me!

Welcome to the Club!

Social Isolation.

It's a thing we all been doing since March 25 or so.
We have been shutting ourselves up within our houses.
Not going out in to public.
Not being with others, except those in our immediate family.
Being very...well, isolated.

*****

For five years I have spent the weekends and summers mostly by myself.
Social Isolation, before it was a thing.

It's true I wasn't always alone, I have dated now and then, and I do have family and friends I could and would see.  I used to dread Friday nights, even hate them.  Friday nights meant I would leave school, go home to an empty house, and know I would have 61 long hours alone until Monday morning.

I was forced to deal with my isolation.  No one made me stay home.  I could freely go out and be around others. However, one's own brain certainly gets ideas stuck in it, which does not allow you to move emotionally forward. Self doubts, societal norms and ghosts in my mind from my past used to eat me alive.

I really did need to learn to look inside and love myself.  I am comfortable now, and truth be told even crave quiet, alone time.  I am not as bothered by it as I once was.  It has taken this pandemic to make me realize just how much I've grown.  I don't mind going to concerts or movies alone. Of course I enjoy being with others, but I can happily do so much by myself.  I have learned to reach out and ask if I want company.  I have learned how to make plans with friends.  It sounds silly, but I have placed so much, too much really, value on being married that when it ended, all I could see was that I was a failure and everyone around me MUST see it too.  Silly me.  I do know that now.

In the past several months, other have freaked out by feeling trapped in their own spaces.  I have had people I haven't really heard from in awhile "check" on me, mostly because they are suddenly isolated and claim they are worried about me.  Ha!  No offense folks, but where were you four years ago when I was at rock bottom?  Here is what you need to know about someone who has found themselves single after years of being married and raising kids who are technically out of the house...we are solid and cool and fine and so able to handle this pandemic isolation crap.  In fact, what I have to say to you is...

Welcome to the Club! Relax.  We are all going to be just fine.

What kind of person...

What kind of a person is married for 28 years...

...and then takes his new wife to the place where he honeymooned with his first wife?

AND,

...he also takes her to the same rental cottage (house) that he went to with his family, including his ex-wife?  It's not like he went just once to this place in his past life, they went many, many times, including a Thanksgiving where they took their brand new dog.

What kind of a person does this?  Who is okay doing this???

Just wondering.

Should I feel sorry for her?

I do.

She is either ignorant, or beaten down.  Since I don't know her, I don't know which it might be.
I feel sorry for her that she is under the illusion that she cannot speak her mind, or that her feelings and thoughts aren't valid.  I lived that.  I know better now.

If she doesn't care that he is taking her to a place he has been in his past with another woman, then I wonder about her intellect. Maybe HE is trying to relive his past.  From my perspective, he did have a fantastic first wife.  She would be pretty hard to top.  Although, she was growing strong in her own opinions and thoughts.  She also wasn't feeling the need to worship the ground he walked on anymore.  She was starting to realize he wasn't a partner, but an emotional user and abuser.

I suppose they both deserve one another.