When I had my children, I knew they would grow up, and finally, really, truly, leave the nest.
College doesn't count for my two.
Living in a college town, my two didn't have far to go to get their education.
They never really left 'home'.
Last September, my son really did leave. He's officially on his own. Two hundred, thirty-four miles or four hours away. Yes, he was living on his own in town, but he's away now and I can't pop over and see him, or drive by his house...like that creepy, stalker mom in the children book, "Love you, Forever" If you don't recall this book, the mom rocks her baby, and eventually adult son, and says, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."
One day, the tables turn and the son rocks his mom in her old age.
It makes me get teary-eyed to even think about that story.
I am very proud of my son, but I am not a creepy, stalker Mom.
My daughter is next to leave. I am very proud of her, too! She and her boyfriend are contemplating where they will next land. I suspect they will move out west, and be near his parents. I told her she needs to raise her non-existent babies near me. Her response was that I will just make her babies fat. That hurt. I know she was just kidding, but old scars run deep. She and I later talked about that conversation, and she realizes I didn't make her or her brother fat, and said she needs me to be the one who bakes with her kids and teaches them how to feel comfortable in the kitchen. She said she needs me to spoil them; her non-existent, future kids.
I am excited for the next stage in my daughter's life.
I'm ready to let her go. (swallow and hold back tears)
I am trying to be positive.
Soon, I will finally feel I'm allowed to claim my house as my own.
Financially, it's all mine, but my rooms are filled with the past of others.
I have been the storage unit that has cemented my families past history. I know I need to give myself permission to get rid of everyone's stuff. I have been left to manage all the leftover, unwanted things from the past life. Things from many past lives. Why has all this been left for me to deal with?
I suppose as a mom, and person who does cling to memories, it just came naturally for everyone to feel they could walk away, knowing I'd deal with it. I just haven't been ready to let it all go.
Everything is here.
From underwear that hasn't fit for years, to childhood toys, to discarded college furniture.
It's all mine now.
Making decisions on where it goes from here is not a big deal.
Looking at each item, and reliving the memories attached to some of them is a big deal.
I will relive the silly memories.
I will relive the proud memories.
I will discover the secret memories.
This I can do alone. Just like everything else, I've got this.
Every parent goes through this task in one way or another.
Some parents are less emotional.
Damn my feelings.
I should make plans on what I'll do with the tons of money I'll get from selling all the crap in my house. Truthfully, I won't make any plans. It won't be that much, and I will just add it to my bank account. Then, when one of my kids needs something, I can easily offer to help out, if needed.
Maybe I need to think about selling the Burrow? Except, I know that's almost too much change for me to handle. Baby steps. I don't know how I've survived all the change I have so far. I just keep waking up each day. When my eyes open, I realize how much I DO have. Then I thank the universe, and think about how I can give back.
Truthfully, how I deal is I release,
cry,
mourn the loss,
then eventually move forward.
I am emptying my heart
little by little.
I hate that I am so fucking emotional.
Why can I just not care?
What the hell is my purpose now in this life?
Where is that damn crystal ball when I need it?
Hmm, maybe I'll find it in all the crap!
I am how I am.
Life is filled with stages.
The best we can do is tackle them all,
one at a time.
Baby steps.
Cleansing little by little,
~Lisa Kroll
mother, keeper of past life memories, grateful
