I have spent the year since then, working on growing comfortable in my own skin. Learning that being on my own isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have needed to be alone. I have reaffirmed, to myself of course, just how incredibly strong and capable I am. Still, I am human. I do long to have companionship. I have learned, I do have many female friends, but I continue to long for a male companion. My relationships with my girl friends are wonderful. What am I missing then? I think I am missing intimacy. In order to have intimacy, that means I need to be able to trust again. I will need to open my heart back up. On so many levels I am starting back at square one.
Step 1. Learn how to date.
I am friends with younger teachers, ones whom could be my daughter, and I have witnessed their dating adventures, or mishaps. I do not think that dating at my age is the same as dating at their age. For one, they have different goals in mind. They are thinking long term, growing with a person and starting a family. Life is a new adventure for them. They don't have baggage as I do. For another thing, I think men at my age see online dating as really just a hook up site. I don't want that.
A few weeks ago, I plunged back into the pool of on line dating.
Within an hour, I heard from three past ghosts.
The first, "Hello Gorgeous! How are you doing and are you having any luck on here?"
Ghost #1.
It was a guy I've known for three years. He actually has my email address, and periodically emails me. He feels the need to let me know when he's read my blog, and give me his opinion that I still have a victim mentality. I usually just ignore him. He's really not worth my energy. He reaches out when he wants to gloat about what he's up to, beat up emotionally on someone, and make himself feel better about himself. It's an ego thing with him, and I recognize his BS. He had just emailed me a few weeks ago. In that conversation, he asked when Hootie was going to post again. I asked when he was heading over seas, I know this sounds random, but it was about the time of year when he heads over seas to help his sister with her business. We've had this conversation for three years! I know the routine. October is his traveling month. He needs to brag. Again, I know this. He wasn't reaching out to see about me, he was reaching out to tell about himself. He told me where he's headed. Then, he added that he's dating my twin. I simply said good for him and responded no further to his email. I didn't tell him that I've moved on from my old blog.
On the dating site I asked why he was texting me. I thought he was dating my twin? He said he had to let her go. It seems she was being disrespectful to him. Ha! I told him to have fun traveling. The end, for now.
The next day, he disappeared from the dating site. He'll be back.
Ghost #2.
The second ghost was a guy who wanted me to come over to his house to have wine two years ago on the dating site. He told me he has a wine collection in his basement. Hmm. I didn't responded to his "Hi" this time. I wonder if he realizes how creepy his pick up line sounds? He's probably harmless, but I wasn't taking that chance the first time, and I definitely wasn't responding the second time!
Ghost #3.
The third ghost was bachelor number 3 from a year ago. I would be remiss if I didn't say I felt a little unease. He sent me a message, did I remember him? Would it be possible for us to meet and chat. I didn't respond at first. He persisted. I said I would think about it. I was stalling. I needed time to think of what to say to him. I told him that of course I remembered him. I reminded him that our date had been horrible. He said he agreed, and really hoped we could meet so he could tell me in person how sorry he truly was. In the next 24 hours, he messaged me eight times. "Hello!" "Good afternoon" "Are you still thinking?" Finally, I responded, "I think we need to let things stay as they are. Our last date was horrible. I know you feel bad, but we can not go forward. I don't need to hear in person that you are sorry." He said he understands. Whew.
In the mist of this, I had a new guy message me. He's not from here. He's working on a project and he's only here for another month. I'll call him Mr. LA. He wondered if we could chat, and maybe grab dinner. He quickly asked if I wanted his phone number.
Guys just don't understand the pressure a female deals with when attempting to get to know someone new. #metoo
Darn, in his pictures he's adorable. He has a nice smile.
In his online texting, he seemed to be down to Earth.
I told him I did want his number, but that I needed to chat online longer. He said he understood. I can never tell when a guy says this if they really mean it. But Mr. LA and I did chat online longer. Then Saturday rolled around, and he contacted me late in the day. Did I want to grab some food with him? Learning from my past, I said yes, but I would drive myself to where we would meet.
When we met, I could tell we were both nervous. I found this fascinating, I think of myself as the girl next door. I'm not anything to be nervous about. We ordered beers and food and then sat and chatted. I'll admit, he did most of the chatting, but I was all right with that. If he dominated the conversation, he would be someone who won't get attached to me. He won't know my story, or any details about me. He can be that guy that just helps me get out again. I was fine with that. He can be that guy that shows me that there really are nice guys out in the world. THIS is what I need. I listened to him and thoroughly enjoyed asking questions and hearing him talk. He has an adorable southern accent. He has sweet eyes, that could be dangerous to some woman. His smile is just, so warm. He is tall, and has dark wavy hair. His arms are so strong. I'll admit, he could make a girl feel safe, if that's what she was looking for. I am not looking for anything, am I? I don't need anything. I don't need any one. I am perfectly fine on my own. This is what I told myself all night. I did long to share with him, but he was either so nervous he hadn't realized how much he was dominating the conversation, or he didn't really want to know about me. Again, it was fine. I need to learn how to feel safe in the world when chatting to a stranger who potentially could hold my heart.
At one point, when he had a little alcohol in his system, he looked at me and asked, "Do you want to dance?" I laughed. "Do you dance?" I asked. "No, not really," he said. So cute. Eventually, the night needed to end. Stalling, he asked if I wanted to go on a walk. I said I did, and when we looked around, the restaurant had been closed for 30 minutes. No one else was there. We'd been outside, so it didn't really matter. We walked for a bit, eventually making our way back to our cars. He asked if he we were going to kiss. I said yes, I'd hoped we would. It was a very nice moment, and I really didn't want it to end. It did though. We said goodbye and went our separate ways. He texted me after he returned home. I was a little giddy, and will admit I had trouble sleeping. I had actually gone out with a person who was respectful and kind. Maybe he had hoped we'd end up at my place, the untrusting part of my brain doesn't turn off, but he didn't push things and I was grateful for that. What did I learned from tonight? Step 2 needs to be learn how to have a balanced conversation. Or was this a clear sign of someone who is not the right person? It's probably a sign.
We texted a bit the next evening, but things drifted off quickly the day after that. I was a tad sad, but not at all surprised. He's going home in less than a month. He's just passing through. I told myself, it's likely he realized I'm a little older than himself and that makes a difference for him. Or maybe he wants a girl who doesn't wear glasses, and is as smart and capable as am I. Or, he's likely having many other, younger, prettier fish chasing after him. Regardless, I did have a nice night, and someone wanted to kiss me.
Remaining open-minded, and always hoping that my friends think of me when they find someone they think I should meet.
~Lisa Kroll
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thank you for your kind response...