On Guard, All the Time

Time allows us to mellow.
Time allows negative feelings to dissipate.
Time allows us to heal.

Healing does not mean forgetting.

With the holidays here, many who have blended families will come together and share time.
Good for them.
If they can be kind and respect one another, they give those around them a wonderful gift.

Having survived the emotional abuse of a Narcissist, I cannot let down my guard.

Some may think I'm being petty.
Some may think I'm harboring.
Some may think I'm unforgiving.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting.

Anyone who thinks like that, hasn't been the victim of Narcissist Abuse.
They don't fully understand the toxicity and poison that is constantly vomited out of a Narcissists mouth.
They don't understand what projecting means.
They don't understand how low-self esteemed a Narcissist really is on the inside.
Narcissists are great fakers, love being worshiped, and having others think they are the greatest of all.

Emotional abuse can rock a person at their core.
For twenty-eight years I was told all I didn't do the correct way.
I was made to feel whatever I did,
however I looked,
whomever I was friends with,
wasn't right.

I was made to believe, whatever problems we had,
I was responsible for them.

I have worked hard to let go of my feelings of worthlessness.
It means little to those who read my words, but what he said to me, followed by his actions have scarred me so deeply.

I couldn't keep my house clean enough, he told me so.  It was said so often, that when he left, my own child said 'maybe if you had kept the house cleaner'... I was the problem.

I wasn't pretty enough, he told me so.
'He wasn't attracted to someone whose gut stuck out past their tits, in fact, he was never attracted to me. I wasn't the person he ever really wanted, and society made him do things he didn't want to do.'
Brutality in words.
You cannot see the bruises they left on my spirit.
You cannot imagine how much I hurt.
How does someone let brutality like that just roll off?
When someone you love says such horrid, poisonous comments, you question your worth to the world.
Lord knows I did.

I have worked hard to understand that so many insecurities in our relationship were really his and not mine.  I take responsibility for coming into the relationship wanting a romanticized love.  I was not stupid, I know relationships take work.  I had witnessed my own parents love; their struggle with money, how they worked together with the little they had,  and how they cared deeply for one another.  I watched my mom break when my dad died, and I believed in fairy tales.  True love trumps all, I thought.

The person I have become in the past five years, is amazing.
I don't feel I have changed, but I do feel I have had a layer of negativity lifted from my person.
I am grateful.
I am a pleaser, and I have learned to please myself.
I have learned to speak my mind, and say no.
I am no longer trying to please someone one who is un-pleaseable.
I love myself.
I love what I stand for.
I love all I have, and I do have enough.

Being healed means I have forgiven myself.
I have not forgotten.
I am not stupid.

 *****

Two weeks before Christmas, my former mil, whom I have worked on restoring a healthy relationship with and love very much, asked me to let her know when I was ready to 'hang out' with my ex.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"You know, be together for dinner."
Christmas dinner was approaching.  My children would be next door at her place.

"Yeah, I'm sure that's not what your son wants."

"Oh, he told me he's ready when ever you are."

Liar, I thought.  He's such a liar.
Then I blurted out, "Well, he's lying if he said that."
She said she hoped he wasn't lying to his mom.
I told her I hoped not as well, but he's lied his whole life.

Her response was for me to agree to think about it.
Then she added, "At some point you have to let it go and move forward."

Moving forward does not mean I need to hang out with my abuser.
Would one expect a rape victim to sit around a dinner table with their rapist and shoot the breeze?

I had a panic attack that night after I returned home.
Full out shaking,
tears,
rapid heart beat.
I couldn't do something someone I care about wanted me to do.
I couldn't please her.
It would mean self harm if I did.
She doesn't understand.
Most people just don't get it.
Emotional abuse leaves invisible marks.
I woke the next morning with my stomach in knots and I couldn't eat.
I was set off by a conversation.  

He is her son.
I know that.
I think she loves me, but she doesn't understand what he really did to me.
She made me feel like I am not healed.

I am healed,
but I am not stupid.

I am forever on guard.

~Lisa Kroll