Self Reflections...

When I allow myself to be a little vulnerable, I start to feel broken or defective. I realize we are our own, harshest critics.  I need to remember to live in the moment.  The me I have come to know in the past few years is so competent. She is far from broken, or defective. She is a wonder woman and she can do anything.

Outwardly, I put on a great front.
Don't feel, conceal.
Inside, I am incredibly sensitive.
I crave touching,
and kissing
and closeness.
I miss intimacy more than I think,
but there is more to life than that.  Right?
I fill my voids with my pets.
I have set such tight boundaries up around my heart.
When I am human, and allow myself to feel,
then is when I notice those feelings of being defective or broken surfacing.
Do I really need to be cold hearted forever in order to not get hurt?
Or is this just my internal defense mechanism hard at work still?
Is it a signal that I still do not love myself?

I question my life.
Maybe I don't want to feel trapped, or caged in any relationship because I know myself too well. The pleaser in me will come out and take over.  I will do whatever to make sure someone else is happy, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness.  I just can't let that happen again.  This is why I am worried I can never really re-open my heart.

I crossed paths with a friend, whose wife told him she wants a divorce.  We had a nice chat and caught up. Truth be told, I've always enjoyed when our paths crossed. He's sweet, mentally snarky, kind, and smart.  I definitely wouldn't mind sharing more time with him once his divorce is finalized, and he's had time to deal with his changing life. That is, if he has the same thoughts.
I am realistic.
Timing is everything, and we aren't at the same place.

Will I ever be at the same place with another?
Will I ever be able to feel like I'm worth it for someone?
How does one relearn to trust others with their heart?

Just a little self-reflection.

~Lisa Kroll

                                            deep thinker, critic, animal lover, Elsa