Reality

The reality that I am alone is with me every day.  

I am surrounded by others for about 12 hours each day while I work, but then return to my roost.  At home I am alone and no one bothers me. My animals offer me acceptance, love and joy. 

I keep thinking why am I alone in this universe with no human partner to share my time? Why does it seem that no one wants to be with me? Then my self esteem starts to sink, and I do what I keep telling myself I won't do...I get on a dating site.  

What I have come to realize is that in order to get anyone interested in me on the dating sites, I have to dumb myself down. I have to simplify myself.  Who wants a woman in their life who has more education than they have? Who wants a woman who is a problem solver and is willing to try to fix things on her own? Who wants a woman who is cultured and has opinions?  I have also come to realize, THIS is what women have always had to do.  We dumb ourselves down.  We tend to make men feel better, smarter, stronger, etc. while we sell ourselves short.  It makes them feel better, admired, like they are more powerful.  We literally give our power away.  

I am tired of this cycle. I think I was living in the end of one era. I wouldn't change how things played out for me. I have two children, and they mean the world to me. They are the only thing my ex did with me that matters as I age.  This thought crosses my mind at times...maybe subconsciously I used him to get what I wanted?  I DID always want to be a mom. Socially, I married up, in hopes he'd bring good genes to the mix. He did. My children are healthy, and he was as willing to be the sole bread winner, as I was willing to manage our household, free-of charge, while sacrificing my earning potential, supporting all he did, so he could get as far as he could in his career for us, his family, in order to give what I thought was the best home life to our children: a stay-at-home parent. It seems today's world requires double incomes in order for most families to survive. Maybe it is better this way. People can enter into a relationship where they are partners right from the beginning.  

Moving forward.  I'd love to have a partner by my side. Someone who admires my drive, as I would admire his.  Someone who values what I am, as I would value him.  Someone who supports my dreams, as I would support his.  Someone who doesn't need a woman who dumbs herself down to make him feel powerful, because I am done with that.  

I am roaring, and still working on loving myself fully.   

~Lisa Kroll