Romantic Fool

I'm thinking about writing tonight, but I'm looking through rough drafts from my past.  I don't think I believe I'm really toxic as when I first wrote this, but I do not trust.  How the heck can I learn to do that?  How do you trust someone with the most valuable part of yourself?

*****
From this past November

Life is short.

I don't know how to stop looking for love. People say, it happens when you least expect it, but I think I expect all the time. I am constantly on the lookout. I just can't believe this is how my life is supposed to play out. I am a social being. Why do I continue to be alone? I just don't get it.

I watch people all the time.  I am always wondering, how did they end up together? What do they have that gives them that stick-to-it-ness, to stick together?  Of course, I still live in my bubble.  I feel I was the cause of what happened.  For some reason, I am being punished, I must deserve this.  I am too toxic.  Maybe I am supposed to be getting the toxicity out of my system.  Maybe that's what happens when one gains confidence and self-esteem.  Toxicity oozes out.  I find I smile more.  I stop what I am doing, really pause, and look around.  What I see makes me smile from my heart.  I was raking today and at my back gate, I paused, looked at my house and my heart swelled with pride.  I have a house.  Then Toby ran up to me.  I smiled even more.

I stopped and took time to sit with him as he laid down, wanting a belly rub.  He was on his back, soaking up the sunshine and I rubbed his belly and behind his ears.  He's such a good boy.  And he is MY dog.

~Lisa Kroll