Life is good.
I am happy with how things are going.
I have let it go.
I do not answer to anyone.
I am my own person.
I am successfully managing life.
Yet, I question....
What if this is it?
Have I reached my goal?
I am healed.
I have found peace.
What if I am one of those people who can't be paired with another?
My inner Elsa understands.
As a person, I am a challenge.
A good challenge, but still a challenge.
I feel strong, capable, beautiful, smart, funny, independent, and my list of self-defining adjectives could go on, and on.
I know that I hurt people when they try to get close to me,
because I can't trust and I won't rely on someone else.
I won't ask for help.
I still feel like I am too much work for another, because who wants to put that much effort into getting close to someone else?
I have become good at concealing my weakness.
I don't need anyone.
I think I am okay with, or at least, have come to terms with the invisible walls I have placed around my heart.
I can handle, and enjoy life alone.
Although, I worry...what if something happens and I need care.
I lived through my mom having a terminal illness.
What would I do if that happens to me?
As someone who feels they don't need anyone,
I guess I hope my life just ends.
I don't want to be a burden to anyone.
I know what will happen, and the thought saddens me...my care will fall on my kids, and my sister.
I don't want that.
Did my own mom have these feelings?
Rationally, I know it didn't matter in her situation.
My siblings and I did everything for our mom,
because she was our mom.
Period.
But, I wasn't a child of divorce.
For some reason, that seems to make a difference in my mind.
I know it's because I feel that divorce in a child's life seems to represent family doesn't matter.
No stick-to-it-ness.
No longer a united front.
This is fallout from divorce.
Maybe if I was divorced when my children were younger, and not in their early 20's, where my ex and I had to work together for the kids sake, I would feel differently.
I remain annoyed that I have to share MY kids, with their father.
Maybe I haven't completely let it go, as I'd like to think.
I was deeply wounded.
As young adults, my children have their own lives.
Heaven knows, life has all ready dealt my sister enough adversity.
No one needs me as a burden.
So, how do people deal with this thought?
Let me clarify, I am not sick.
I do not have a terminal illness.
I do have a mind that races though.
I think, too much.
Focusing on the positives,
I am blessed.
I do realize it.
I do feel balanced.
Life really is good.
I am my own person.
~Lisa Kroll
common super woman, and thinker
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Blogging Music:
Frozen: The Broadway Musical by Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez
A current adoptive parent of a rescue found out she has cancer. It hit me the same way your thoughts are flowing.
ReplyDeleteI have no one. When I feel and hurt my knee, it was me crawling to the phone to get an ambulance. “Who do you want us to list as an emergency contact?” “No one” was my reply.
I need to write my will so that my dogs are cared for.
I need to write a living will so no one goes to extreme measures to keep me alive.
But I can understand everything you wrote.
For me, I do not want the hassle of having my life “be approved of” by a significant other. I worked hard at my marriage...to the point of illness...it was not appreciated. My efforts were never appreciated. But he certainly did appreciate the $85,000 of my retirement money.
I LOVE my life now...I breathe with ease when I walk in the door to my house. Yes, I will be sick...alone.....I may have to fight cancer....alone....but it is the choice I have made with great thought. It is OK.
But yes, I also hope to die quickly and suddenly...poof. Liz who passed away? I know I have made a difference in many lives...that is all that matters.
You give all of yourself with great love to your students...that is a legacy. You have raised great children of whom you are proud...that is a great legacy. You are good at helping many in their journey thru life....why worry about wasting your talents on “one?”
BUT...if the right one comes along...believe me, it won’t take as much effort because you will be clear about your needs and desires and hopes and dreams.....and He will support you in all of those ways!!....or he will be gone!
Plus....there are a whole lot of people like us....we will simply pool our money and build a retirement community where we will have our dogs and nursing care all in one area!!